Small, Actionable Steps to Build Self-Kindness Without the Pressure of Perfection
If you’re sceptical about self-compassion practices, I get it. But what I've learnt over many years, is that without a kind inner voice you can't intervene with critical thoughts which inevitably lead to self destructive behaviour. Your inner voice is shaped through trauma to condition you to feel as though you are the problem. We often wait to be understood, or saved, and we indulge in unsustainable quick fixes. When I was 16, I went to a doctor’s office for the first time because I was struggling with depressive thoughts, self-harm, and an inability to sleep. When the doctor recommended CBT, I thought it was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard—just tell myself to be happy? As if I hadn’t already tried that. I felt dismissed, like my very real pain was being brushed aside. Living in an abusive household with no support network at school, I felt like "just tell yourself to be happy" dismissed everything I felt so deeply.
For years, I dismissed the concept while drowning in a variety of struggles. It wasn’t until much later that I realized CBT isn’t about flipping a switch to happiness—it’s a practice. Like any skill, it takes time, guidance, and the right support system. When used correctly, it can create real change, but it doesn’t happen overnight or in isolation. If you’re sceptical, that’s okay. You don’t have to believe in it right away. But small shifts in how you speak to yourself can open the door to healing, even if it takes time to fully step through.
Healing isn’t about quick fixes. We’re often drawn to big, dramatic gestures—ice baths, retreats in Bali, 30-day challenges—because we want transformation overnight. But real change happens through small, sustainable steps. As James Clear puts it in Atomic Habits,
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”
The exercises below are designed to be simple, bite-sized ways to shift your relationship with yourself. Some may feel awkward at first, and that’s okay. You don’t have to resonate with every single one—just start where you can.
A Quick Reset When You're Feeling Overwhelmed
If negative self-talk is taking over, try this three-step practice. It may feel unfamiliar at first, but with time and repetition, it can start to rewire your subconscious.
1. Acknowledge Your Pain (Mindfulness)
Instead of pushing away discomfort, pause and recognise what you’re feeling.
Try saying: “This is tough. I feel overwhelmed, and that’s okay.”
Why it helps: Mindfulness creates space for self-compassion by acknowledging your emotions rather than dismissing them.
2. Recognise You’re Not Alone (Common Humanity)
It’s easy to believe you’re the only one struggling, but pain is part of being human.
Try saying: “Other people feel this way too. I’m not alone in this.”
Why it helps: Knowing you’re not the only one can soften self-judgement and reduce isolation.
3. Offer Yourself Kindness (Self-Kindness)
Speak to yourself like you would a friend.
Try saying: “I’m doing the best I can. I deserve patience and care.”
Why it helps: Shifting from self-criticism to self-kindness rewires your inner dialogue over time.
My Favourite Mental Reset Techniques
Sometimes, when you're overwhelmed—so overwhelmed that the idea of calming down feels impossible—you might resist even the thought of a reset. That’s completely normal. But breathing is one simple action you can ask yourself to do just once, and I promise—it helps right away. Like a muscle, the more you practice, the easier it becomes to use as a natural reflex to overstimulation. Here are my top three science-backed techniques for resetting your nervous system:
1. The 4-7-8 Breathing Method
This simple breathing technique is one of my favourite ways to calm the body and mind.
How to do it:
Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds.
Hold your breath for 7 seconds.
Exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 seconds.
Repeat this cycle 4 times.
Why it works: The 4-7-8 method activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps slow heart rate, reduce stress hormones, and promote relaxation. Research shows that controlled breathing can lower cortisol levels and improve overall emotional regulation.
2. Take a Sip of Water
It sounds almost too simple, but taking a sip of water can be an instant nervous system reset.
Why it works: Drinking water signals to the brain that you’re not in immediate danger. According to neuroscientist Dr. Andrew Huberman, small physical actions like sipping water can activate the parasympathetic response, signalling safety to your body.
3. Splash Cold Water on Your Face
Cold water immersion isn’t just for athletes—it’s a powerful tool for emotional regulation.
Why it works: When you splash cold water on your face, you activate the mammalian dive reflex, a physiological response that slows your heart rate and shifts your body into a state of calm. This reflex helps decrease anxiety and ground you in the present moment.
Somatic Practices to Connect with Compassion
Our bodies hold onto stress just as much as our minds do. For trauma survivors, this can make somatic practices both powerful and deeply challenging. Trauma isn’t just stored in memories or thoughts—it lives in the nervous system, shaping how we react to stress, relationships, and even our own sense of safety.
Because of this, engaging in physical self-compassion exercises can feel vulnerable, even unsettling. When trauma is stored in the body, reconnecting with it can bring up emotions we’ve learned to suppress in order to survive. For many, the idea of tuning into physical sensations—rather than escaping them—can feel overwhelming. That’s completely okay. If you’re not ready for this kind of release yet, that’s not a failure; it’s a reflection of how your nervous system has worked to protect you.
Somatic practices can help retrain the body's response to stress, gradually shifting from hyper-vigilance to a state of safety, but they don’t need to be forced. Healing happens in its own time, and even small steps toward awareness are progress.
1. Self-Holding
Place one hand on your heart and another on your belly. Take slow, deep breaths.
Wrap your arms around yourself for a gentle hug.
Rest your hands on your face or neck with warmth and intention.
Why it works: Physical touch activates the ventral vagus nerve, which helps calm the nervous system. Your body recognises warmth and gentle pressure as signs of safety, signalling to your brain that it’s okay to relax.
Translation: Hugging yourself or placing a hand on your chest tells your body, "You're safe. You’re supported." It’s like the comfort you’d feel from a loved one’s hug, but you’re giving it to yourself.
2. Grounding Exercises
Look around you and name five things you can see, hear, or feel.
Press your feet firmly into the ground or sway gently from side to side.
Run warm water over your hands, focusing on the sensation while saying, “I am safe.”
Why it works: Grounding engages your proprioception and interoception—systems that help you feel where you are in space and what’s happening inside your body. Trauma can make you feel disconnected or dissociated, but grounding reconnects you to the present moment.
Translation: When you feel overwhelmed, your brain can go into panic mode or shut down. Focusing on your senses—what you see, feel, or hear—helps bring you back into your body and the present moment.
3. Relaxing Breathwork
Imagine warmth filling your body as you inhale and releasing tension as you exhale.
Use the 4-7-8 technique (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8).
Hum or sigh on the exhale to trigger relaxation through the vagus nerve.
Why it works: Slow breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, shifting you out of fight-or-flight mode. Humming or sighing activates the vagus nerve, which helps regulate stress and relaxation responses.
Translation: Your breath is like a remote control for your nervous system. Slow, deep breaths send a message to your body: "We're okay. We don’t need to panic." Humming or sighing helps supercharge that calming effect.
4. Somatic Affirmations
Pair positive affirmations with gentle movement:
While stretching or walking, repeat phrases like:
“I am worthy of kindness.”
“I am allowed to be gentle with myself.”
“My body is a safe place for me.”
Place a hand over your heart as you say affirmations.
Why it works: Trauma can create a disconnect between mind and body, making self-compassion feel unnatural. Moving while affirming positive beliefs strengthens neuromuscular connections, helping those words feel more real over time.
Translation: Saying kind things to yourself is powerful, but your body needs to feel them too. Moving while saying affirmations helps your brain believe what you're saying instead of just hearing empty words.
5. Expressive Movement
Dance or sway to music in a way that feels good to you.
Shake out your arms and legs to discharge tension and stress.
Stretch slowly and mindfully, noticing how your body feels.
Why it works: Trauma often causes freeze responses, where the body holds onto stress energy. Shaking, swaying, and stretching help release that stored energy, allowing your nervous system to complete the movement it needed in moments of past stress.
Translation: When animals experience fear, they shake it off—literally! Your body holds onto stress the same way. Moving, dancing, or shaking helps let go of that stuck energy and feel lighter.
6. Inner Child Comfort
Picture your younger self and imagine offering them comfort.
Speak to them kindly, as if you were soothing a child.
Rock yourself gently or wrap yourself in a cozy blanket for a sense of safety.
Why it works: Trauma often disrupts co-regulation, meaning you may not have received enough comfort or safety as a child. Offering that care to yourself now rebuilds the brain’s sense of safety and self-soothing abilities. Rocking or wrapping yourself in warmth engages the vestibular system, which is linked to calmness.
Translation: If you didn’t get the comfort you needed as a child, your nervous system might still be searching for it. Imagining giving that care to yourself now helps fill in those gaps and reminds your body it’s safe.
7. Mirror Work
Stand in front of a mirror and place your hand on your chest.
Look into your eyes and say something kind, like, “I am enough.”
If discomfort arises, take a deep breath and approach it gently.
Why it works: Many trauma survivors experience self-alienation, struggling to feel connected to themselves. Looking into your own eyes while speaking kindness strengthens self-recognition pathways in the brain, reinforcing positive self-perception.
Translation: When you make eye contact with someone who cares about you, you feel seen and loved. Mirror work helps you do that for yourself—even if it feels weird at first. Over time, it can change how you see yourself.
8. Vocal Self-Compassion
Speak out loud to yourself like you’re comforting a friend.
Hum, chant, or sing softly—it helps release tension and calms the nervous system.
Why it works: Your voice vibrates through your vagus nerve, which plays a key role in emotional regulation. Speaking to yourself with warmth helps rewire the brain’s response to stress, while humming or chanting stimulates the calming branch of your nervous system.
Translation: When you talk to yourself kindly or hum, it’s like pressing the “reset” button on your nervous system. Your body physically feels the vibrations and starts to relax—just like when someone speaks to you in a soothing tone.
Our bodies hold onto stress just as much as our minds do. For trauma survivors, somatic practices can be especially powerful because trauma isn’t just stored in thoughts—it’s held in the nervous system. Engaging in physical self-compassion exercises can help retrain the body’s response to stress, gradually shifting from hyper-vigilance to a place of safety.
Meditation Practices for Self-Compassion
Why Meditation is Especially Important to Me
In a world that constantly pulls us in different directions, I often find myself overwhelmed by noise, distractions, and an overstimulated mind. Meditation has become a crucial tool—not to silence my thoughts, but to make peace with them.
A core Buddhist teaching reminds us that meditation isn’t about forcing the mind to be still, but about being kind enough to notice when it wanders and gently bringing it back. At first, I struggled. The moment I closed my eyes, my mind would flood with worries and traumatic flashbacks, making me feel like I wasn't doing it right. But everything shifted when I stopped striving for perfect stillness and instead embraced the natural ebb and flow of my thoughts.
Over time, this simple act of returning—without judgment—has helped soften my inner critic and build emotional resilience. But I won’t pretend I have it all figured out. I still struggle with racing thoughts, and some days are harder than others. That’s why meditation is a practice, not a finish line. Like any muscle, self-compassion strengthens over time—not by getting it right every time, but by showing up and trying again.
As meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg says,
"You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."
I’m still learning. But every time I bring myself back—however messy or imperfectly—I’m practising the kind of kindness that truly matters.
As meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg puts it,
"You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."
It's all part of the journey. Give it a try and see how you go—each time you bring your mind back, however messy or imperfect, you’re practising the kind of kindness that really makes a difference."
1. Loving-Kindness Meditation
Sit quietly and repeat phrases like:
“May I be happy.”
“May I be free from suffering.”
“May I be at peace.”
Why it works: Loving-kindness meditation is rooted in the principle of cultivating compassion. By focusing on well-wishing for yourself and others, this practice gradually shifts the mind from judgement to kindness, fostering emotional warmth and connection.
Translation: This practice trains the mind to think more kindly. It encourages positive feelings, helping soften negative thoughts and create a more peaceful, compassionate mindset.
2. Body Scan Meditation
Close your eyes and scan your body from head to toe, noticing areas of tension or discomfort.
Breathe deeply and imagine releasing any tightness or stress with each exhale.
Why it works: The body scan brings awareness to the body and the sensations within. By focusing on physical sensations without judgement, it helps release stress and promotes relaxation, allowing you to connect with your body in a more mindful way.
Translation: This meditation invites you to listen to your body. By simply noticing where you feel tension, you can release it with kindness, helping you feel more relaxed and aware.
3. Daily Mindfulness
Set aside a few minutes each day to focus on your breath.
If distracting or judgemental thoughts arise, simply notice them and return your focus to your breathing.
Why it works: Mindfulness is the practice of staying present in the moment. It encourages you to observe thoughts without getting caught up in them, creating space between you and your thoughts. This helps reduce stress and increases mental clarity.
Translation: Mindfulness is about being present without judgement. By returning your focus to your breath, you train your mind to let go of distractions and find peace in the here and now.
4. Deep Compassion Breathing
Visualise breathing in warmth and care while exhaling tension or judgement.
Repeat this process to help reset your emotional state during stressful moments.
Why it works: Deep breathing is a key tool in meditation for calming the nervous system. Paired with compassion, it helps release negativity and invites relaxation, creating an emotional reset in moments of stress.
Translation: Compassionate breathing is a way to calm the mind and body. By breathing in positive energy and releasing negativity, you shift your emotional state, helping you feel more centred and at ease.
Spiritual Practices for Self-Compassion
I know spirituality isn’t for everyone, and that’s perfectly okay. For me, however, it’s been one of my favourite ways to nurture my soul and deepen my self-compassion. Spiritual practices don't have to be tied to any specific belief system; they’re simply tools to help you connect with something greater than yourself—whether that’s nature, the universe, or your own inner wisdom. If you're open to it, these rituals can offer a sense of grounding and peace, reminding you that you are deeply worthy of love and care.
I haven’t included a "why it works" for these practices because their impact is relative to your personal relationship with spirituality. Spirituality is a deeply individual experience, and how these practices resonate will depend on what feels true and meaningful to you. Whether you approach these rituals through faith, mindfulness, or simply as a form of reflection, the power comes from how they help you reconnect with your deeper self.
1. Gratitude Practice
Write down three things you’re grateful for at the start or end of each day. Even small moments count—it’s about shifting focus toward the positive.
2. Sacred Self-Care
Turn a simple act of self-care into a ritual. Light a candle, take a soothing bath, or wrap yourself in a soft blanket. Remind yourself that you’re worthy of care and comfort.
3. Affirmations with Touch
While massaging your hands, rubbing your shoulders, or resting your hand on your chest, say kind affirmations like:
“I am worthy of love.”
“I forgive myself.”
“I am enough.”
4. Breathing with Compassion
Breathe deeply, imagining compassion flowing into your body with each inhale. Exhale any feelings of guilt or judgement as you focus on being kind to yourself.
Start Small
These practices are just a few ways I’ve learned to support myself, and they each play a role in healing the mind, body, soul, and spirit. Healing from trauma isn’t just about changing how you think—it’s about caring for every part of who you are. Mental practices like meditation and mindfulness help calm the inner critic, somatic exercises reconnect you with your body, and spiritual rituals offer a sense of belonging and purpose.
But let me make one thing clear: You did not choose to carry trauma. It is not your fault. No one deserves to experience pain or suffering, and no one should have to carry the weight of past wounds. However, while we cannot change what has happened, it’s our responsibility to show up for ourselves, to care for ourselves in the way we deserve. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not perfect, and there’s no clear timeline. I don’t have all the answers, and I’m still on this journey too. But what I’ve learned is that healing starts with kindness. It starts with showing up, even in the small moments, and offering yourself the patience, compassion, and understanding that you may not have received before.
Healing isn’t about being perfect—it’s about taking one step at a time, choosing to show up for yourself, no matter how hard it feels. The only thing that matters is that you are worthy of this journey. You are worthy of your own love and care. It’s time to give yourself the kindness that you truly deserve.
Sophia M. Blue Hour Mind 2025
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